mistake by mistake
about a girl who looked for life
- a psychological novel based on real stories
the year 2018 & 2019
As I spent time at the high school in a society where perfection meant everything I decided to write about my point of view and my inner feelings about that. What is perfection, what does it mean, why we can not be just a little bit unperfect and a little bit happier? These were my questions all the time and then, other ones: why do we have to pretend in front of others and cannot be true to ourselves? Why can't I be? I had a problem with being who I really am so I pretended and I was really good at it.
My therapist told me I have an 'anxiety disorder' which means one is completely dependent on other people, scared of making a step forward, scared of being left alone, scared of failing, losing people and disappointing them. One also expects a lot from others and without them, you have no life. When on your own, you automatically feel lonely, unmotivated and have no self-confidence, simply: you are completely broken without other people. That was my full-time job at high school. I have always cared about others more than myself and I ended up completely broken. I did not know who I am at all and what my opinion is, my feelings, my ambitions and what is theirs. I could not tell it apart. So I started making step by step, mistake by mistake and this is what the title is about.
Making a change is the hardest part of life but it is necessary. So I started really, really slowly and I gave myself enough time to realize and recognize what I feel, what I want and what is best for me, with my own head, not theirs. So the story is about finding and putting yourself in front of other people without being called selfish or whatever.
Because of this disorder, I always thought I would be happy just by attaching myself to another person which was absolute bullshit. Like really, the biggest bullshit my head ever came up with. I used to fall for people because I felt so weak and I believed the person could save me and then I would be happy. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit! I found myself happy the minute I realized I can do it, that I have everything to make it happen on my own.
So this way I healed and now I want to share my story with people who have similar struggles, disorders, and misunderstandings because these thoughts and fake expectations our heads create are not worth our time and energy.